Magic 8-ball Tennis Questions

Instead of trusting myself, I decided to base some tennis decisions on what a Magic 8-ball tells me. Here’s my conversation:

Magic 8-ball

Me: Oh, ok. So I should stick with my current racquet?
8-ball: Outlook good.

Me: Huh. What about the strings? Should I just stick with the Signum Pro?
8-ball: Cannot predict now.

Me: Yeah, strings are tough. Sometimes I feel like they are perfect, other times not. Would a thinner gauge string be better?
8-ball: Don’t count on it.

Me: I know, I know! It’s not the equipment, it’s the player. Will I have a good practice tonight?
8-ball: Yes, definately.

Me: Sweet. I always like a good practice. How about cheese? Should I smear cheese all over my grip to hold onto it better?
8-ball: It is certain.

Me: Huh, cheese? Really?
8-ball: Most likely.

Me: I was with you about the string thing but now I’m not so sure. Do you know what you’re talking about tennis-wise?
8-ball: Signs point to yes.

Me: Ok, if you say so. Same racquet, maybe the same strings, but spread cheese all over the grip. Got it. Will I make it to the finals of the Silver Lake singles tournament by doing this?
8-ball: As I see it, Yes.

Me: Hmm…I’m really not much of a singles player, are you certain?
8-ball: It is decidly so.

Me: Wow, confident. Will I win that final?
8-ball: My sources say no.

Me: Bummer. Though the finals would be cool. Should I wear a skirt to the match?
8-ball: Outlook good.

Me: That’s what I thought you’d say. Should I also play the match barefoot?
8-ball: Very doubtful.

Me: Yeah, then I’d look silly. Anyway, my backhand remains a problem. Should I switch to a one-hander?
8-ball: Ask again later.

Me: Alright…I suppose it merits careful consideration. Hmm…what else should we talk about? How about the French Open? Can you predict the winner?
8-ball: Yes.

Me: Cool. It’s going to be Nadal isn’t it?
8-ball: Cannot predict now.

Me: But you just said you could…will Roger Federer finally win the French?
8-ball: Concentrate and ask again.

Me: (Concentrating) Ok, will Roger Federer win the 2009 French Open?
8-ball: Very doubtful.

Me: I knew it! It’s Nadal isn’t it?!
8-ball: My sources say no.

Me: Well then it should be an interesting open indeed! Not Federer or Nadal! Well, it was great talking with you. Did you have a good time too? I’m betting Nadal wins it without dropping a set.
8-ball: Without a doubt.

So there you have it. According to the wisdom of the 8-ball, neither Federer nor Nadal will be winning the French Open.